Dragon-slayers and Jealous Rats : The Gendered Self in Contemporary Self-help Manuals

This article traces two broad discourses concerning gender in a selection of relationship manuals from 1974 to 2004. On the one hand are manuals promoting traditional gender roles, and on the other are those that promote financial and emotional independence for women. In contrast to other analyses, I argue that these approaches cannot be categorised into a simplistic dichotomy of ‘feminist’ and ‘patriarchal,’ but that they are better understood as being bound up with conservative and liberal discourses of the self. I further demonstrate that these approaches both assume and require types of self that are somewhat removed from their historical antecedents and should be understood as neo variants.

fulfillingintimateromanticrelationships.Thisisapopularformatthatencompasses hundredsofnewtitleseachyear,aswellashavingproducedsomeoftheenduring classicsofself-help-thetherapeuticrelationshipmanualsinthisstudyareallstill in print, with the exception of Marabel Morgan's The Total Woman.Books offering advice on finding a partner were excluded, as were dating, etiquette, householdmanagementandsexmanuals. 3 Thereisacertainamountofdiversitybetweenthese books and I do not claim that all relationship manuals fall into the two categories usedhere,orthatallbookswithinacategoryareconsistentwitheachother.Neither do I imply that readers simply accept and absorb the intended messages within these texts.Numerous studies have been made demonstrating that women read sceptically, interpretively and resistingly. 4Nonetheless, the unabated proliferation ofself-helpbooksandthesaturationofourculturebypsytruthstellussomething important about our values, both on the societal level and, as self-help books are increasingly translated into numerous languages and spread across the world, at a globallevelaswell. 5AsEliashaspointedout,anadvicebookhastorelayamessage with which its audience can identify. 6In other words, the prescriptions and proscriptionswithinself-helpare'alreadyconstituted'realitiesforthereaders. 7isalsoimportanttoacknowledgethatwomenoverwhelminglyconstitute the readership.Relationship manuals are usually aimed at women and women are more likely to purchase and read them. 8Some self-help authors even assert that menareuninterestedinself-help:'Mendon'treadmagazineslikePsychologyToday, Self, or People' because 'they are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting,fishing,andracingcars…andcouldn'tcarelessabout…self-helpbooks'. 9 Oneauthorincludesasmallsection,neartheendofhisbook,whichheencourages hisreaderstoshowtotheirpartnersandbegins'I'massumingthatthisletteristhe firstthingyou'rereadinginthisbook…givemethreeminutestotalktoyoumanto man'. 10That the presumed audience is gendered is of crucial importance, because the'injunctiontounderstandone'slife,'orone'sself,'forexampleasanautonomous individual … can come to mean something entirely different when we look across thedesignationsof…genderandsexuality'. 11ME17 NUMBER1 MAR2011 272 -FEMINISM, SEXPERTISE AND SELF-HELP Feministshavepointedoutthatsomeoftheearliestmodernexpertssawwomenas being by nature weak, dependent and unhealthy.Femininity itself was seen as a disease-'a woman's normal state was to be sick'. 12The female mind has been pathologisedfromfemalehysteriaonwardsandmentalillnessremainsgendered,at least in part because women bearing the daily burdens of gender inequality are diagnosed by medical and therapeutic experts as suffering from a personal pathology. 13Code reminds us that 'the conflation of femininity with pathology is a constantthreadrunningthroughexpertendeavourstocontrolwomen,'andargues thatfeminismhaslargelybeenformedagainstexpertise. 14Thisrelationship,though, hasbeenanambivalentone,asfeminismhasequallyembracedexpertise,employed it and created it.The rise of sexpertise and popular (humanistic) psychology in particularhasbeenentwinedwithfeministthought,shapingitandbeingshapedby it.

Self-helpofthe1950scentredonhouseholdmanagementand1960sbooks
focused on sex, while wider popular psychology was concerned with selfactualisation. 15Therapeutic relationship manuals per se did not come into being untilthe1970s,whichlimitsanyprojectoftracingtheshiftsinself-helpdiscourses surrounding emotional intimacy from the 1950s to the 1970s.However, one can gain some insight into the ambiguous relationship between feminism and the shifting truths of popular expertise by taking a brief look at the interrelations of discoursesinsexmanuals, popular psychology and influential feminist works such asBettyFriedan'sTheFeminineMystique.
Inthe1950s,sexmanualsmostlyheldtothe'differentandunequal'modelof humansexuality,inwhichwomen'ssexualitywasseenasasleepingbeauty,readyto be awoken by her husband, and grounded in emotion-this being a justification of thesexualdoublestandard. 16 Fromitsverybeginnings,humanisticpsychologyselfconsciouslyopposedrestrictivesocialnormsofthiskind.Itemphasisedthepositive revolutionary power of traditionally feminine values such as spontaneity, playfulness, self-expression, intuition, supportiveness and emotional warmth.It differedfromclassicalpsychotherapiesandpsychoanalysisinthatitsaimwasnotso much to make the sick well, but to make the well even better: 'if there is one statementtrueofeverylivingpersonitmustbethis:he[sic]hasn'tachievedhisfull potential'. 17The central belief of humanistic psychology is that through psychological growth, the individual will 'develop the qualities which would cause himtovaluethoseexperienceswhichwouldmakeforthesurvivalandenhancement of the human race'. 18It posited the transformative and redemptive power of a therapyinwhichfellowhumanbeingsnurturedoneanother'semotions-thatis,a position in which emotional labour was not just low-value women's work, but a right,andanobligation,ofallhumanbeings.Humanisticpsychologiesaretherefore grounded in social critique.They believe in the perfectibility of human nature, regard imperfections and neuroses as arising from the damage that unduly repressivesocietalnormsorculturesinflictontheself,and'callfortheindividual's emancipationfromthestiflingdemandsofrole-boundconduct'. 19rRogers,thegoalwasnolongertoachievementalhealthbutsimplytobe happy,tohavemorefun-andallthisinordertomaketheworldabetterplace.He gave a place of honour to the child within-arguing that that one did not have to grow up, to become a 'sensible' and self-sacrificing adult, but that one nonetheless had an obligation to change, to work on one's personality, to improve oneself.Simultaneously, rising rates of employment among women and increased acceptance of women pursuing careers outside the home contributed to a social climate that was more accepting of female economic independence.As women participated more in the labour force and began to gain formal rights to equal educationandequalpay,sotheysoughtmoreequalityinmarriage.Inthe1960sand 1970s,alongwithsuchchangesasthoseincontraceptionandwidersocialattitudes, sexpertslaidthegroundworkforgreaterpermissivenessforwomen'ssexuality. 20To some extent, these factors began to undermine the stereotypical idea of men as productive and active with women as passive and consuming in attitudes towards sexandrelationships. 21thesametime,amassculturewasformingthatLashwaslatertotermone of 'narcissism'-in the late 1960s especially, many people explored humanistic psychology,groupencountersandsecularapproachestohumansocialandpersonal problems, and the quest for fulfilment. 22As religion and other traditional forms of authority continued to decline, and were subject to attacks from feminism and the 'counterculture', there was a general eagerness to learn about interpersonal relations, and a new emphasis on sexual pleasure for women as well as men.
Humanistic approaches unloosed sex from marriage and understood sexuality as a basic human quality-in this way they helped to deinstitutionalise feminine sexualityandwerethusseenasbroadlyfeministintheirimplications. 23Theearlyappealthathumanisticpsychologyheldforfeministsinthe1960s isself-evident,withitsaccentonquestioningthenormsofanoppressivemasculinist societyandcelebratingthevalueoftraditionallyfemininetraitssuchasemotionand intuition.However, this appeal was not unambiguous-the emphasis in Rogerian therapy on finding one's inner child and giving expression to emotions had a differentresonanceforwomenthanformen,astheformerwere,inmanyways,still treated legally and socially as children, and were often dismissed as incapable of rationality. 24vertheless, as other forms of expertise declined, popular psychology triumphed,anditscallsforself-actualisationandself-responsibilitywerecongruent with feminist demands. 25It is worth noting that an inextricable part of this was a campaigning social critique to raise feminist social awareness and change discriminatory legislation.For example, Friedan's The Feminine Mystique-itself often understood as a self-help book-employed many techniques of persuasion thatarecharacteristicofrelationshipmanualstoday,suchasaconfessionaltoneand the use of 'magnified moments' or personal parables. 26But it also outlined the second-wave liberal feminist view, and was highly influential in shaping feminist thought, identifying a contradiction between mounting individualism and the traditional female role of self-effacement and self-sacrifice.Feminism thus became synonymous not only with liberal social demands for equal rights in the marketplace,butalsowithademandforemotionalfulfilment.Indeed,psyalliances withfeminismhaveledsometoassume'thatthehistoryofwomen'semancipation isthehistoryoftheirentitlementtoowntheirfeelings'. 27 the 1970s, a new feminist model of sexuality began to appear-that of individualistic sexual autonomy.Sex manuals began to focus on the private sexual experience of women: 'It is a very self-centred experience … your focus must be solely on your sexual stimuli and whatever increases it'; 'you must assume responsibility for your own sexual pleasure'. 28This outlook saw orgasm as a right, and a product of learning, not of instinct.It was argued at the time that placing a strongemphasisonnon-coitaltechniquesrenderedthemandispensabletofemale pleasure, further reinforcing women's sexual independence. 29This latter view politicisesfemalesexualautonomy,onamodelofsexamongequals. 30Sexbeganto beunderstoodaspartofthetotallifeexperience-competenceandindependencein sexualityweretobeattainedaspartofabroader,moregeneralsocialpattern,and sexmanualspromisedthatthistypeofsexualitywouldpayoffinotherareasoflife aswell. 31Thesesexualrelationsbothreflectedandproducedmoregeneralcultural attitudes and values, stripping away the moral, sentimental and romantic notions that had surrounded female sexuality.They made respectable the unmarried sexually active woman, giving women more freedom to leave unsatisfactory partners. 32Atthesametime,however,womenbecameobligedtobeactivelysexual beingsinawaythattheyhadnotbefore. 33Thatis,womenwerenowobligedtobe freewiththeirsexuality-competent,skilled,proficientintheirownpleasure,multiorgasmic-and open to new pathologies of frigidity, emotional over-sensitivity, dependence and sexual dysfunction.These new capacities required new interventions:self-interrogation,self-examinationandworkupontheself. 34Indeed, the obligation to work on oneself was adopted by many feminist writers, such as Susie Orbach, for whom feminist self-improvement and self-liberation included investigating,nurturinganddevelopingtheinnerself. 35thelate1980s,self-regardandself-liberationhadbecomeanimperative inself-helptotheextentthatwomenwhodidnotprioritisetheirownself-fulfilment were characterised as psychologically disordered-'loving too much' or codependent. 36Ihavediscussedthisphenomenonelsewhere,butwillmentionthatcodependencecanbecharacterisedasapathologisationoffemininity,orasareverse discoursewiththepotentialtoliberatewomenfrompositionsofsubordination. 37In this latter view, women use expertise to liberate themselves in opposition to their putativefemininenature-oratleasttofurnishthemselveswithalimitedspacein whichtheycanrefusetoplaytheirappropriategenderedrole. 38 her classic study of relationship manuals, Hochschild bemoans the tendency of 1980s and 1990s' self-help to exercise a general 'paradigm of [emotional]caution'.Shesuggeststhatfeminismmaybe'escapingfromthecage'of a social movement, to endorse and develop a capitalist ethos of private life that is foreigntoitsoriginalaimsandthatisemotionallybarren.Shearguestheyallow'the worst of capitalist culture to establish the cultural basis of the struggle for equality'. 39While Hochschild sees a paradox between what she calls the emotional 'warmth' and the 'patriarchy' of the 'traditional' books, and is surprised by the emotional 'coolness' of the approach she calls 'feminist', these are part of a long tradition of such tensions within debates about the nature and role of women-a pointtowhichIshallreturn.

NextIexaminetextsthatchallengetraditionalstereotypicalrolesforwomen anddemonstratethatthesecanbeseenascontinuingtheliberalfeministtraditions.
However,Iarguethattheyarenotstraightforwardlyfeminist,anddonotholdtothe originalvaluesofliberalfeminism.Thefollowingsectiondiscussesthosebooksthat are based around traditional, stereotypical conceptions of differences between the sexes-views that are approximately in line with the conservative vision.I argue thattheconservatisminthesetextshasmadesignificantconcessionstoneo-liberal conceptsoftheself.

Liberaldiscoursestraditionallypositedastraightforwardapproachtogenderroles:
women should become educated, take paid work and strive for economic equality with men.Liberalism has tended to be somewhat suspicious of the irrationality of emotional connections, seeing little worth in traditional feminine values such as compassion and intuition, and not especially prizing home and family.For liberal feminists, it is in the public sphere that women should find their worth, by competing on an equal footing with men.The liberal self is active, hard-working, goal-oriented, planning for change and succeeding in shaping its own destiny.It is competitive,vigorousandenergetic:itisthe'enterprising'self. 40Inliberalself-help books,thereaderisencouragedtocarveoutherowndestiny,takechargeofherlife, seizeopportunities,anddevelopandemployherskillsandtalents.Aboveall,sheis urgedtobeindependent,botheconomicallyandemotionally.
The books begin with warnings that 'aptly describe a woman's vulnerabilities in marriage-and what can happen when productive work is given upfortheillusionofproductivelove'. 41Vedral,forexample,statesthat'thesimple truthofthemattercannotbeignored:Themoreawomanearns,themorepowerful and independent she feels, and indeed is; and the less she earns, the more at the mercyanddependentshefeels,andindeedis'. 42Friedmanclaims: Workallowsyoumorechancestogrow;tostretchyourself.Itenablesyou tomeetnewpeople,toexplorechallenges,eventoexperiencethepainof rejectionorinitialfailure.Theseexperiencesmakeyoustronger…Money isnottheprimebenefit.Theprimebenefitisselfesteem. 43dralagreesthatpaidworkshouldtakeprecedenceoverarelationship-'ifitcame down to it, I would leave (and indeed have left) a man before I would leave my career'. 44e of the most crucial problems that women face, we are told, is not understanding the rules of capitalism.It is from this failure of the female mindset thatmanyoftheproblemswomenfaceintheworkplacespring.Friedmansays: Women tend to make moral judgments from a frame of reference that blocks their understanding of movement in the workplace.They judge workplace practices using family and friendship values, putting human needsaboveall.Theymustlearnnewinsightsaboutrelationsinthework setting…howthesystemworks,andwhyitworksthewayitdoes.Itisnot enoughtostandasideandjudgeit. 45wling agrees that a wish not to join the marketplace is 'phobic', and any objections to capitalism on political, humanitarian or moral grounds arise from an unhealthypersonalpsychology. 46iletheseauthorspromotetheinvolvementofwomeninthemarketplace, they do not encourage political engagement, even on a personal level.One author warns the reader against trying to 'solve her problems by changing things on the outside'suchas'byjoiningaunionorfightingforwomen'srights'becausenoneof these external changes will untangle the confused and self-destructive attitudes lyingwithin. 47nancial self-sufficiency is of central importance to these texts.Norwood complains of one client that 'his mother's timely gifts of money conveniently short circuited any drive towards growth or maturity in Sean'. 48Adulthood, then, is equated with financial independence: even borrowing from a support network of female friends is seen as being shameful-as Dowling says of a group of female friendsshespenttimewithafterherdivorce: we were … hiding.We seemed to be more interested in maintaining our livesexactlyastheyhadbeen…thaninrisingtothechallengeofmaking somethingnew…Ididn'twanttobealone,toexperiencemyselfasbeing alone, so I continued to share my responsibilities as I had always done.
Noneofusreallywantedtomakedecisionsonourown.Weconsultedall thetime-particularlyonthingshavingtodowiththekids.Welentmoney to one another … We were shameless in the expression of the weakness thatwefeltwithin. 49milarly, the support of family is suspect.Friedman quotes the 'Wise words.

Wonderfulwords'ofaclientwhosaysthat:
Nobodyisgoingtosaveyou;that'syourjob.Saveyourself.Ifyoudon'tlike whereyouare,getoutofthere.Theobjectisnotforthemtolikeyou,the objectisforthemtolistentoyou…Yourfamilythinksofyouasapet,you havetoleavethem.Theyarejustwhereyoucamefrom,theyarenotwhat youare. 50iedman suggests that one of the most important things a woman can develop is thekindof'personalpower'that'endowsyouwithasenseofworth...asensethat people respect you-which, on occasion may be more important than the knowledgethattheyloveyou'.Sheencouragesherreadertodevelop'NO!power'thatis,'masteringthewordNO'.'Ideally,'saysFriedman,'wecanloveandletbe.But wecanalsoloveandletgoifit'snecessary.' 51 In order to encourage their readers to disengage from romantic relationships and involve themselves in establishing financial independence, some oftheauthorsgotosomelengthstooutlinethevariouswaysinwhichmencanbe lacking or defective.52 In these and other relationship manuals, readers are encouraged to classify men as gloomy, smothering and jealous, passive-aggressive 'rats', alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics or sociopaths, sapping the strength and energyoftheirfemalepartners.Indeed,manyofthesetextspresentloveitselfasan addiction,diseaseorpathology.53 For these authors, gender differences take the form of women's economic dependenceandmen'spsychologicaldefectiveness.Restrictivegenderrolescanbe overcome,theysay,onanindividualisedbasis,byenteringthejobmarketinorder toearnawageindependentlyofone'spartner,bybeingwaryofmeningeneralon the grounds that they are likely to be dangerous or damaged and, when in a relationship, by detaching oneself from moral or ethical obligations towards a partnersuchastobesexuallyandemotionallyfaithful,ortohonouracommitment tostaywithhim.54 Itisvital,therefore,thatwomenbegintotakeresponsibilityfor themselves,becauseitis'whenweassumeresponsibilityforourownproblemsthat thecenterofgravitybeginstomakethatcrucialshiftfromtheOthertotheSelf'.55 The liberal flavour of these books is clear: it is the realm of paid work, commerceandenterpriseinwhichwomenshouldfindpersonalfulfilment,foritis here they will find independence from men.Independence is the basis for psychological health, adulthood and fulfilment; self-reliance and self-responsibility arethefoundationsoftheteleologicalliberalself.This'enterprising'selfisonethat concentrates on economic productivity and displays initiative, enterprise and selfresponsibility.56 57 This view of the self asserts that one should take responsibility for one's own happiness, and that one has an obligation to exercise one's abilities or talentsin ordertohelponeself.These books encouragechange and risk, andprize economic autonomy above all.They promote strategies, plans and tactics, and reliance on one's own talents.Sharing doubts, responsibilities or finances with others is condemned as symptomatic of weakness, a failure of self-sufficiency-a failureofself.
It is worth pausing here to consider that, historically, the liberal approach advocated women's complete engagement with, and immersion in, the public spheres of work and politics.A fulfilling life was understood to be a nurturing life, committed to family and community responsibility, empathy for others, cooperation,andthemaintenanceofsocialties. 58Thebooksinthisstudydonotquite take this view, and perhaps are better understood as taking a neoliberal position.
For,whiletheycontinuetopromotetheinvolvementandachievementofwomenat work, this does not extend to the realms of campaigning politics or community responsibility.Thatistosay,thebooksrevealnonotionofengaginginthefightfor equal opportunities, demands for an end to the glass ceiling, better childcare facilities,orotheraspectsoftheprogramofexplicitlysocialchangethatwereonce central to the liberal view.Indeed, any recourse to, for example, women's support groups, is seen as false thinking and a failure of the individual will.Furthermore, ratherthanrejectingthenotionofavastdisparitybetweenthesexes,andholdinga fundamental respect for both men and women, as found in traditional liberal arguments,theneoliberalsinthesebooksseemtoborderonpositingfundamental differencesbetweenthesexes-buttheyportraymenasneedy,childish,jealousand dependent,andwomenascapable,independentandadult.
Similarly, these books emphasise liberalism's focus on the market to the pointthattheyarebestunderstoodashavinganeoliberalconceptionoftheself.The marketplace is embraced to the point that they may suggest that women who are critical of the economic system have a psychological disorder.The social tolerance andrespectfordifferenceofhistoricalliberalismisreplacedwithan'anythinggoes' freemarketethos,andtherespectfordifferenceandthenurturingideologyfoundin traditionalliberalismisreplacedbyacontemptforthosewhocannotliveuptothis idealself-whethercollectivisedwomenorneedyanddependentmen.Indeed,this kind of ideal neoliberal self often defines itself apophatically-it is not weak, collectivist or dependent.It regards the self that is bound up with others as committingthemoralerrorofabdicatingindividualresponsibilityandinitiative. 59
Theconservativeviewoftheidealselfisrootedinlong-establishedtradition and continuity.The conservative self values time-honoured virtues such as hard work,patriotismandreligion,andmostespeciallyBiblicalmoralcodes.Itplacesits faith in these and in the accumulated wisdom of habit, convention and custom.It believesinduty,a'natural'socialorderandacorrect,normalwayoflife.Moralityis whole and wholesome, but subject to degenerate social practices that may erode, decay or rupture it. 60Conservatism is therefore opposed to social change and permissiveness, and it esteems traditional family life, 'the very bearer of conservativevalues'. 61 Thusconservatismtraditionallycarrieswithitanambiguity towardscapitalism'semphasisonprogressandself-gratification.
Forconservatives,Godhasmoralauthorityoverhumans,adultshavemoral authority over children and men have moral authority over women. 62Concepts of gender differences are central to the traditional, or as Hochschild would have it, 'patriarchal',self-helpbooks,andmanybeginwithexplanationsofthem. 63Theymay dothisthroughreligiousdogma-forexample:'Godordainedmantobetheheadof the family, its president, and his wife to be the executive vice-president'; and 'God didn'tdesignustobethesame;hedesignedustobedifferent'. 64Schlessingersays thatwivesmust'submittothewillofherhusbandbecausethewillofherhusband willbeobediencetotheLord'. 65 Otherexplanationsmakevagueallusionsto'nature': 'Tryingtodenyhowmygenderaffectsmynaturebroughtouttheworstinmeand put a huge strain on my marriage' says Doyle, and McGraw warns us of 'the price you pay for resisting the natural order of things'. 66This 'natural order' may be posited by alluding to sociobiology, such as DeAngelis's description of a man who 'mustgooutandhunt,andhemustnotcomebackuntilhehaskilled…Hemustbe strong…Heisaman.Heisahunter',andMcGraw'sassertionthatthereisnoneed forawomanto'muscleupanddefendthecave'. 67atever the explanations for gender differences, these books tend to recycle clichés about passive, emotional women and active, logical men.As one observerhassuggested,theypositthat'subjectsarefromMarsandobjectsarefrom Venus'. 68McGraw says, for example, that 'Men criticize women because they are emotional,sensitive,andintuitiveratherthanone-dimensionallylogical…Godgave men less of those qualities and more of certain other qualities such as logic and physical strength'. 69Gray claims that women 'value love, communication, beauty, andrelationships…Theyexperiencefulfilmentthroughsharingandrelating…They enjoy wearing a different outfit every day … They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.' Men, however, 'value power, competency, efficiency,andachievement.Theyarealwaysdoingthingstoprovethemselvesand develop their power and skills … They experience fulfilment primarily through success and accomplishment.' 70While women place a higher value on their relationships than on their careers, for a man, 'work has a bigger influence on his senseofself-worththanhisrelationshipwithyoudoes'. 71hlessingerinparticularisinsistentthatmostoftheproblemsinmarriages are because women are 'ungrateful', 'selfish', 'cruel and abusive' and too 'complicated'. 72Incontrast,menare'justnotthatcomplicated','simple,straight-line types', and 'loyal as dogs'. 73Women are 'mysterious', 'manipulative', 'mercurial', 'hypersensitive', 'whiners', 'complainers' and 'nags'.Indeed, 'nagging is part of the femaleXXchromosomalinformation…simplybuiltintotheDNA'. 74esebooksarebasedalmostentirelyontheideathatmenandwomenare vastly different; DeAngelis says that men and women are so foreign to each other, thatmen'can'tunderstandawordyou'resaying'. 75Similarly,Grayinsiststhatmen and women are alien to each other, advising his readers to 'remember that your partnerisasdifferentfromyouassomeonefromanotherplanet'. 76McGrawagrees thatmenandwomenarefundamentallyincompatible: You and your partner are programmed for conflict.The fact that you are involved with a member of the opposite sex-and I emphasize the word opposite-meansthatyouaretryingtomeshyourlifewithsomeonewho isphysically,mentally,emotionally,andsociallydifferentthanyou. 77r these authors, most problems in personal relationships, and indeed in society, arise because gender roles are becoming blurred: 'The problem is, the more we attempt to blur roles into a unisex world, the more we are spinning out of control andtrytofix'whatisn'tbroke' 78 -andwhatisn'tbrokeistheviewthatwomenare notreallyinterestedin,orsuitedto,workoutsidethehome.Schlessingerstatesthat 'Themoreweignorethetrue,inherentmasculineandfemininequalitiesofpeople, thefartherapartwepullthem…womenwhohavereversedsocietalroles…seemto havelessregardfortheirhusbands…andsufferferociousguilt'overthechildren. 79e insists that the consequences of women having careers include the 'neglect of children', and for the woman herself, 'weight gain, low sex drive, moodiness, and fatigue'leavingher'feelinghostileanddepressed'. 80SinceDoyle'surrendered',she and her husband have had a division of labour based on 'the strengths each of us bringsbecauseofourrespectivegenders.Forinstance,whileIwasstressedoutand resentful about making most of the money at a corporate job, John is happy and proud to be the primary breadwinner' and insists that 'the two roles are complimentary [sic]'. 81Similarly, Gray claims that 'many men have denied their masculineattributesinordertobecomemorenurturingandloving.Likewisemany women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living.' 82 Schlessingerdescribeswomenwithcareersas'worker-ants',incontrasttothemale worker who 'slays dragons every day'.Women feel 'drained' by work, she says, because atworkyouarenot 'loved, adored andintimately needed'.She goes on to advise readers to 'check out all the competitive backbiting, layoffs, and computerizationandmechanizationsubstitutionsforhumanbeingsgoingoninthe workplace'. 83 is this sort of statement in conservative manuals that led Hochschild to assert that such 'patriarchal' books are non-commercial and 'warm'.However, it is worthnotingthatGraydevotesasectionofhisbooktothewaysinwhichmenand womencan'scorepoints'witheachother,andhegoesintosomedetailsaboutthe different ways in which men and women add up these scores. 84Similarly, McGraw discusses the importance of what he calls 'pay-offs', and in several places Morgan, DoyleandSchlessingerallassesstheextentoftheirpartners'lovebythegiftsthey aregiven. 85 addition, it is often difficult to discern much warmth in the advice from Doyle to 'hold your tongue' and 'be quiet' because 'talking about feelings is not a popularpastimeinthemaleculture…sobepolite',andmostimportantly'neverask a man how he feels'.She insists we should forget the notion that 'more communication is the key to an intimate marriage'. 86Schlessinger insists that it doesn't matter if a woman does not understand her husband's meaning as long as 'shelooksasinterestedasshecanevenwhenshedoesn'tfolloworunderstandwhat he's talking about'. 87She quotes a satisfied client as saying, 'Things have been so muchhappierinourhomeandourmarriagesinceIstartedtakingmyproblemsto God instead of my husband'' and advises all her readers to 'cut down on communication'becauseahusbandisnot'alisteningboard,girlfriendorshrink'. 88ay claims that 'When a woman in a caring and concerned way says to a man "What'sthematter,honey?"hemayfeelinsultedorrepulsed'. 89wellasproscribingexpressionsofconcerntowardsamalepartner,Gray insiststhatnomatterwhatthecircumstances,thefemalepartner'shoulddefinitely not offer … advice'. 90To illustrate, Gray relates a story in the style of a fairytale.It begins when a knight rescues a princess from a dragon, and the pair subsequently fallinloveandbegintolivetogether,buttheprincessmakesthemistakeofhelping theknightbygivinghimanooseandsomepoisontouseagainstdragons.Later,the knighthearscriesfromadifferentdamselindistress,andcomestoheraid: Butashedrawshisswordtoslaythedragon,he…hesitates.Hewonders, ShouldIusemysword,thenooseorthepoison?Whatwouldtheprincess say?Foramomentheisconfused.Butthenheremembershowhehadfelt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword.With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poisonandchargesthedragonwithhistrustedsword.Heslaysthedragon andthetownspeoplerejoice.Theknightinshiningarmorneverreturned tohisprincess.Hestayedinthisnewvillageandlivedhappilyeverafter.
He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothingaboutnoosesandpoisons. 91ay's views on gender have been described as 'archaic bromide' 92 and while this particular fairytale may seem ludicrous, it found its way into the literature of federallyfundedschooleducationprogramsintheUSA. 93Schlessingerreferstomen throughout her book as 'dragon-slayers', assuming her readers' familiarity with Gray'sbookandthisparticularfable.Gray'sviewsareunexceptionalinconservative self-helpliterature.In1973,Morganwarnsherreader,'Don'tgivehimadvice…He needsyourear,notyourmouth.'Nearlythirtyyearslater,Doyleinsiststhat'weall liketobeaskedouropinion,youneedtoresistgivingit'. 94amanistroubled,hispartnershould'focusontakingcareofyourself'and 'dosomethingthatmakesyouhappy…readabook,listentomusic,exercise,listen to self-improvement tapes, take a bubble bath, see a therapist, [or] go shopping'. 95yledeclaresthatsheprefersto'keepallmyenergyforimprovingmyhappiness… and to look inward instead of outward', and Schlessinger insists that rather than worryingaboutherpartner'shappiness,awoman'hastolearnhowtotakecareof her own emotions better'. 96Instead of focusing attention on the relationship with her partner, the reader is encouraged to develop a relationship with the self, involvingexamining,lovingandnurturingtheselfwhiledetachingfromothers. 97r Doyle, the reader is to continue to surrender, no matter what the consequences:'Hemaylosemoney.Hemaymakeyoulate.Hemaymakeamess,or lose his job or let the bills go so long that the water gets turned off.'The only situationinwhichawomanisentitledtodefyherhusbandisifherequestshertodo something that would require her to 'sacrifice your emotional or physical wellbeing'andinthiscasethen'youmustsimplysay,"Ican't"'. 98thiswecanseethatalthoughDoyleadvocatesdeferringtoone'shusband in matters concerning the well-being of one's family and children, she allows, and laterinsists,thatthereadershouldalwaysgiveprioritytotakingcareofherself.Ifa man asks for some help with a task that should rightly be his, the reader must refuse.Of one woman who refuses to help her husband by going to pay the bills, Doylesays'Whileherinstinctwastobehelpful,shealsofeltasurgeofpridepulse throughherwhenshestayedtruetohercommitmenttoherselfnottotakeonthe burden of handling the finances instead of rescuing him.' 99Thus the surrendered wifemustassertherselfinordertosubmittoherhusband.
Although all the books hold teleological concepts about society, Schlessinger'sbookisunusualinthatshespecificallystatesthatherbookisnotonly concerned with intimate relationships, but has a wider social significance.She repeatedlycondemns'feministgobbledegook'asa'grandioseself-centrednessabout the value of women' and blames women's economic independence for growing selfishness and the collapse of social order.She identifies 'an assault upon, and virtual collapse of, the values of religious morality, modesty, fidelity, chastity, respect for life, and commitment to family and child-rearing'-and claims this assaultisattherootofallsociety'sills.Significantly,shealliesconservativevalues and traditional domestic relationships with wider discourses of nationhood and patriotism, claiming that the 'denigration of traditional masculine values … underminesthehomeandcountry'. 103HE NEO SELF Forconservatives,theworldisadangerousplaceinwhichthemoralorderisalways under threat from social change.It is only God's will, expressed through the husband's central authority over, and protection of, his wife and children, that can keepthefamilysafefromharmfulexternalinfluences. 104Theconservativebooksin this study take just such a view of gender roles.They state that there are vast, fundamentaldifferencesbetweenthesexes,andpositexplanationsforthesesuchas evolution and/or divine order.They cast as 'revelations' the romantic gender stereotypes of the passive, emotional female and contrast these with the active, logical male, thereby implying or stating that these differences make women unsuitedto(aspectsof)thecapitalistsystemofpaidwork.Independenceforwomen isseenaserodingmen'sresponsibilities,leadingtoresentmentonbothsides,andto menfeelingemasculated.Theythereforeprescribeatraditionalroletothewoman of submitting to her husband on matters of finance, sex, childrearing, and so on.
Theysharewithconservatism a viewoftheidealselfasrootedin,andcontinuous with, tradition, history, and divine order.They assert a 'natural' and hierarchical moralorder,andplacetheirfaithintraditionalfamilyvaluesandgenderroles. 105t conservatism has traditionally held ambivalent views towards capitalism, deploring the fast pace of change and self-gratification of the marketplace, the loss of traditional communities, civic duty and time-honoured moralvalues.Earlyconservativessawpubliclifeasbrutal,heartlessandinhumane, and held women-albeit ambivalently-to be morally above the market.Women were ethically superior, virtuous, humane and compassionate.These books might thereforebebetterunderstoodascomprisingaparticulartypeofneo-conservatism, with an emphasis on traditional social roles, such as gender roles, but without the ambivalence towards rapid economic changes or the implied critique of the capitalist economic order, industrialism and the consumer society that was once implicit in this approach.Their argument seems to be that women are naturally unsuitedtotheworldofworkandmoney,andthattheyshouldthereforewithdraw from it, but there is no notion that these naturally emotional women could, or should, offer any criticism of the amoral nature of the market and the adiaphoric humanrelationstherein.Furthermore,whilenineteenth-centuryconservatismsaw the home as a haven from the marketplace, indeed as its antithesis, Morgan, SchlessingerandDoyleevaluatetheirpartners'lovebythequalityoftheirgifts,and -CONCLUSION Thebooksinthisstudyformasnapshotofchangingsocialattitudestogenderand the self over a period of thirty years.Although they are all written by American authors, they were all also best-sellers in Australia, Britain, and other markets aroundtheworld,andthereforeprovideapictureofwidespreadchangesinpolitical and social values.Without wishing to make false claims regarding the influence of popular psychology, it is clear that there is at least some correlation between the types of self-help book produced and the values of its era.For as long as self-help books are used in government programs in such areas as education or health, the very 'private' area of intimate life and the relationship of the self will be one way in which we 'enfold' authority and political ideologies into our private self-understanding. 106e period of time over which these texts were published has been one of greattransformationsforwomen,societyandpolitics-beginningwiththeremains of the counterculture, collectivist politics and second-wave feminism in the 1970s, throughtheriseofneoliberalisminthe1980sandearly1990s,tothereinventionof theLeft,makingsignificantconcessionstotheRight,andespeciallytoneoliberalism.

Thecontentsoftherelationshipmanualsinthisstudyformpartofthishistory,with
Morgan in the early 1970s defending traditional gender roles, books in the 1980s and early 1990s revealing a strongly neoliberal approach, and those from the beginning of this century promoting 'family values' and increasing biological determinism.
However,whatisperhapsmoststrikingisnotthepointsonwhichtheliberal andconservativebooksdiffer,butthoseonwhichtheyagree.Thebookscontaining (neo)conservative views of the role of women and those (neo)liberal ones that stipulate female independence and equality both prescribe an emotional aloofness fromone'spartnerandadvocatetheindividualisedtelosofconcentrationononeself.Indeed,whatismoststrikingaboutthetwogroupsisthattheybothusetheirown views on gender to justify and promote this ethic.The neoliberal view sees emotional attachments, in particular men's emotional immaturity, as holding womenbackfromachievingpersonalfulfilment,whichisproperlyachievedthrough their careers.The neoconservative view claims that emotional closeness is a femininevalue,andinstructswomentorespectmenbydisengagingfromthem.The twotraditionsdiscussedheremakedifferentassumptionsaboutthenatureandrole of women, assuming, permitting and requiring different types of self in both men and women-but neither is based in intimacy or commonality, and both prescribe detachment.
Furthermore, neither approach can legitimately claim to be feminist, as neithersupportssocialorpoliticalactiontofurtherwomen'sadvancement.Rather thanunderstandingthesetwotypesofdiscourseinself-helpbooks,as'feminist'or 'sexist/patriarchal', I propose that they are best understoodas continuingthe long debate between (neo)liberal and (neo)conservative conceptions of the ideal self.
Such conceptions of the self posited in humanist psychologies and popular psychology books are of no small significance to the ways in which people understand themselves.Contemporary individuals are incited to live as if making themselves a project-they must work on their selfhood, the kind of person they are, the relationships they have with others and with themselves, their relation to work and employment, and so on, in order to develop a style of living. 107These identity projects are linked with the rise of the 'engineers of the human soul'-of which self-help books are but one example. 108This may seem to be a private and intimate area, but has increasingly become the object of political attention, intertwined with notions of the good life, the active citizen and the right thing to do-and nowhere is this more apparent than in discussions of appropriate gender roles.TheuseinpubliceducationofGray'sstoryaboutthehenpeckeddragon-slayer isoneexampleoftheareasinwhich'private'self-understandingcanbeshapedby 'public' political discourses to promote a 'right way' of life.This is central to the ways in which the authorities of governance understand individuals; the mature, responsibleadultonalinearjourneyofgrowthandself-improvementisessentialto the values of the enterprise culture.The contemporary self is a self that must be sought out, realised and achieved, and which unites psy and enterprise values. 109atistosaythattheselfunderstoodthroughhumanisticpsychologyis'congruent with the political rhetoric of enterprise.' 110 Values such as self-esteem and selfassertion were central to second-wave feminism, while simultaneously potentially undermining some of its social critique and transformative power.If success is a matter of self-esteem then it follows that the only thing holding women back is a negative mindset: 'women don't think of themselves as equal to men so they don't act equal; consequently men, employers, relatives, society, do not treat them as equal'. 111ncetheturnofthecentury,themostprevalent'rightway'oflifereflected andpromotedinself-helpbookshasturnedawayfromtheliberalview,towardsa new type of gender conservatism, placing an emphasis on obedience to male and religious authority, the importance of family, and so on, in which conservative notionsofcivicresponsibilityseemtohavedisappeared,andbeenreplacedwitha newfound faith in a kind of individual free-for-all of self-concern and self-love.Far from being emotionally 'warm', this ethic advocates tradition without community, partnershipwithoutintimacy,and(forwomen)awithdrawalfromtheworldofpaid workandfinancialconcerns,withoutentertaininganynotionofsocialcritique.
-Rebecca Hazleden's research interests centre around self and identity, gender and sexuality, intimacy and popular culture.She has taught at universities in Britain, Itisactive,vigorous,takesmeasuredandcalculatedrisks,welcomes change and produces wealth.It plans and tactically executes strategies, shaping itself and its own individual destiny.It shows faith in, and relies upon, its own talentsandabilities.Itisrobust,competitiveandself-evaluating.Muchemphasisis laid on what should emanate, or derive, from the individual: self motivation, personal drive, personal vitality, self-assertion, self-reliance and the self-made individual.